This just in: GVSU receives permits to begin construction on an underground walking tunnel exclusively for Grand Valley students commuting to and from the Pew campus. Year after year, Lakers have to face city traffic to and from Grand Rapids, risking tardiness to class. To cure the epidemic of chronic student tardiness, the university has taken action. 

One of the reasons GVSU is implementing this change is to avoid student sweat stains. Campus leadership is grossed out! GVSU sophomore Stew Dent expresses his excitement: “With the new student commuter tunnel, I’ll never have to run to class from my car when the traffic makes me late. I’ll save so much money on laundry and high-strength deodorant!”

It’s clear that this change will bring ease to students’ daily lives.

Some students aren’t as thrilled. First-year student Tay Lorswift-Era says, “Wait a minute… that's gotta be like a four-hour walk. I think that’ll make me later than I would normally be.”

To that we say... too bad! Tunnels are cool!

Not only will students be able to walk through this tunnel — there will also be an electric scooter lane added! Soon enough, students will be asking each other “Are you taking the LakerLine or the cool new underground electric scooter thing?” The tunnel is rumored to later add lanes for Heelys, dog sleds, hoverboards, and tricycles. 

If you feel like lending a helping hand, the construction team is in desperate need of volunteers.

“It’s gonna be a huge tunnel,” says Construction Lead Joe Josiwa. “We’re gonna need all the help we can get.”

All students are welcome to grab a shovel and help get this project rolling. Say goodbye to road rage driving and say hello to feeling like a groundhog during your daily commute! 

Click here for the full plan for the tunnel.

APRIL FOOLS! There will be no underground highway for GV students, or anyone (as far as we know). Did we get you?

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